Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
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driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
The happy life.. 😊
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.