Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
You Might Also Like
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
waiting for halloween be like:
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.