My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
You Might Also Like
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell