ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
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Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
guilty
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
twitter is a journey