Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
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ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
My inexpensive home security system…
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.