Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
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her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.