you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
You Might Also Like
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.