When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
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Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.