ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
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Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.