getting old is fun
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WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan