Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
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“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!