If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
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Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Every. Damn. Time.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office