This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
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i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”