Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
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Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.