I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
You Might Also Like
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My life coach traded me.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…