interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
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Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?