Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
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If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?