Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
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When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon