Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
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turning my gender off to conserve energy
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
smh
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*