I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
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Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Not my job 😂
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
inside you are two wolves
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.