Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
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Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
“How’s your day going?”
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?