Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
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*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
oh shit
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile