I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
You Might Also Like
sensitive skin
it is time once again
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
what it’s like dating me:
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.