The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
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Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
these two trucks have the same bed length
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
My new favorite headline
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math