Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
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Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Blew my mind.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
guilty
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it