I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
You Might Also Like
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
“No way.” -Jose
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all