i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
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my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I needed a laugh this morning.