Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
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*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.