*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
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Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Velcrow
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
This will never not be funny to me.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool