Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
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ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
B
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away