I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
You Might Also Like
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Still a very good boi….
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.