Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
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When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Genius idea!!