Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
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Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery