me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
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casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Guilty! 🤪
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.