“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
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I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I can’t stop watching this.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
That earthquake could have been an email.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.