the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
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*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.