I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
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No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”