Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
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Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
This is true.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Is this a threat?
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.