my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
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I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.