*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
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*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting