[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
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Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me