I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
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Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
There is no “we” in pizza
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club