I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
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Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
when mom throws a party…
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.