Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
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A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.