You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
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– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”