I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars ðŸ˜
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People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Bread puns are on the rise!
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…