[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
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My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was