Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
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I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Liquor Store Parking
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
The pasta is now
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.