Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
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Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
time machine? you mean a clock?
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms