Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
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I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
181.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
A game married people play.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU